The Thrill is Gone

While in my sudden action of obsession to any and all Blues genre music, I came across a song that I hear quite frequently...well more frequently than a song you typically don't listen to is usually heard. I know the song, I know the version. I guess I just never actually stopped to listen to what exactly it was saying to me. And while I finally decided to purchase it on iTunes and put it on my ipod so that I could listen at the full capacity that music should be listened to (blaring directly and straight forwardly into my ear canals) it gave me the most inspirational chills. I, all of a sudden, had a clear head about a situation that lingers in my thoughts to this day.

"You'll be sorry some day..." it kept echoing in my head even as the song kept on. The thrill has gone away from me. I was under a spell cast by someone whose only intentions from the beginning were to hurt me and to deceive things from the beginning. And I feel extremely confident that you will be sorry some day for letting someone who genuinely cared about you go. For unspoken reasons.

I have let this one instance depict the person that I have been and how I view myself. I constantly asked myself, why am I not good enough? I definitely take the blame in letting your sorry ass take over my soul. For what has now been extremely too long. I am a good person. I don't lie. I don't cheat. I don't steal. I constantly think of others. And I guess I could blame my heartache on my deep passion for friendship. Good friendship. It blinded me to see what I should have seen from the get-go. If you don't like me...fine. No one says you have to. If you don't think I'm good enough...fine. No one says that I should be. The only thing that I can tell you is that I'm a good person. And for too long, I allowed for you to make me think otherwise. Maybe holding on to this instance for so long and letting it sit there and letting myself wonder is my fault. But one thing I would never do which makes me better than all the rest??? I would never, ever preach to people about self-respect and honestly and about valuable friendships just to contradict everything you just said. It makes you look foolish. Self-respect is having the decency to come to a person and be honest with them...instead you made yourself look foolish. You passed it all off on me...made me look and feel like I did something wrong. But lets just take a look at the big picture. I have a husband for which I am happily married to. And I have friends for days and people that would honestly be there for me if I needed them to be. What do you have to go home to?? No one. And it will be that way as long as you keep treating people the way you treated me and as long as you push people out the way that you treated me. Soo...the thrill of the entire situation.........it's finally gone. I'm not under any spells from you that hurt me anymore. I see you for what you really are. And I am confident that you see yourself for what you really are too. I hope that one day, you find the true you and that you get all that you want in life. But what I really hope for you is that you eventually understand all angles of how you hurt me and you realize that you were wrong.

The thrill is gone.....so very gone.

Congratulations

Feelings of wonder
sit deep in my soul
when I think about
what it is that you stole.

You kick people
when they're already down
and then you keep walking
without turning around.

You have on these blinders
that keep you so safe from what's real
you try to laugh at people's aches
when you know deep down how they feel.

You are completely heartless
and your blood is of ice
I wish you acknowledged your faults
that would be so nice.

You tear apart trust
and you destroy all care
and you push away the ones
that were the only ones who cared.

You claim to be this amazing friend
the one to always love...
and then you fuck over everyone
kicking them out with the harshest shove.

You will never know what you were to me
and maybe you just don't care
but when you start to wonder where all your friends are
you'll see me as the one who was always there.

Fool me once
and shame on you
fool me twice
it's just what you do.

The only thing
that is left to be done
is to forget about you
and start having some fun.

I will always know you
as the worst best-friend
who is the biggest liar
who caused hurt that won't end.

I hope you're proud of the
person you've become
you are a wretched bitch
and I should be thankful that it's done.

So thank you
for showing me who NOT to be
you've got being awful
down to a T.

Congratulations. Maybe you actually did get what you wanted which was to hurt me but the thing I need for you to understand is that I am one of the last persons on the planet to trust yet I made an exception for you. TWICE. I opened my heart to you, I was there for you where ever and whenever and you took full on advantage of that. You want to know why people are as wretched as they are? It is because of people like you...you will make someone feel like they have the best friend they could have ever wanted and then overnight everything changes and you throw them out like yesterday's garbage. You are NOT a good friend. You DO treat people as if their friendships are disposable. So everything you have ever preached to people is a blatant lie. So to add to all of your bad qualities and true colors you've shown to me...I can now add 'liar' to the list of adjectives I would use to describe you.

W.H.Y.

W - when
H - healing
Y - yields

I hate that empty ache in the pit of my entire being that is always asking why. I want to teach myself to know that what is just...is. And the rest is history. I can't tell ya how many tears and fears and worries and empty aches in the pit of my stomach were all derived from the very word.

This feeling is what lead me to determine that WHY actually stands for When Healing Yields. This makes sense in my head but looks crazy in writing. There are so many things that have gone on in my life that may or may not seem like a major thing that has taken control over me in a sense because all I want to know is why this situation happened, why this person wanted to be this way to me...

And because I sit there and wonder why....the healing that should happen in due time after the hurtful situation doesn't start because I am stuck with the very word in my head.....

I will get over this...I will stop hurting from the person you were to me...and eventually....................I will stop asking why.

The Time is Now ...

Every human in existance at one point or another is going to have a breakdown and I guess mine is now.

Between working 2 jobs, being a newlywed, taking care of 2 of the cutest dogs you could ever imagine, and trying to move into our new place, I am breaking down.

Everything that could bothered me has and in a way - I am sort of thankful for that because it gives me the chance to improve the things that cause me stress.

I am so over immature adults, drama and just taking people's shit. I don't think that as a fellow adult I should have to take the bull shit if I don't want to and I am SO over it.

I want to make a friend that is polite, sincere, HONEST and REAL, that would make me a priority as a friend. But it seems that every single person I run into has some kind of bitch split personality that rears its ugly little head and they take a turn for the worst. I am not saying that I can't have friends unless they are perfect because I know that that is how I am making this seem but I want to be around people that don't just preach about self respect but they embrace it. I want a friend that doesn't just talk about no drama but they execute their lives to be as drama free as it could possibly be. And I want a friend who would tell me if I looked fat in an outfit because I hate the ones that are thinking it but never say it.

I am so tired of giving all of myself to everything and feeling like I get nothing in the end. I strongly believe that there needs to be a good balance of give and take in a friendship and I just have not really ever seen that.

Second Job

I officially have a second job that I am starting today - this evening after I get off of work at the apt. assoc.

My goal is to start saving 100% of all of the checks from the second job so that after like a year of saving - Brandon and I will have the opportunity to look at houses for purchase!!!

I am excited. It is going to suck for sure because I will be working about 13 hours just to turn around and go home and go to bed just to get up and do it again but the thing that makes me optomistic about this whole thing is that I know that the extra hours will be well worth the benefits of having money to save AND I think I love where I'm going to be working. The people are so sweet in there from what I've seen sooo...I'll keep you posted.

Breathe You In

I am undone
A little rough around the edges
Hearing stories of the hours past
And the hour glass we race
The one I tried to chase

We talk too much
A million words meaning nothing at all
Telling stories of nothing real
And it’s never how we feel
They say time is how we heal

(Chorus)
If I can’t see you
I can’t breathe you in, no
And if I do
I’d never leave again
Oh, again

I love the concrete
It’s my city grass beneath my feet
And walks with strangers
Hundreds of years my senior

It’s not that I can’t relate
It’s just the little things that make me hate
The age I am and the way we are
And it all comes back too…

(Chorus)
If I can’t see you
I can’t breathe you in, no
And if I do
I’d never leave again

If I can’t see you
No, I can’t breathe you in
And if I do
I’ll never leave again
Oh, again

If I breathe you in

-Mia Carruthers

He's the Birthday Boy!!!

Well - Brandon's birthday was this past Sunday and I have to say - the entire weekend was a complete success!!

Brandon's mom flew in from Florida - we went to the memorial softball tournament for Brandon's cousin, Shay. And then Saturday night we went out for Brandon's birthday (From what I remember - we had an amazing time!) And then Sunday we had lunch with his side of the family and then for dinner we met up with my side of the family and he got lots of gifts and an amazing ice cream cake.

My little boo boo is FINALLY 21!!!!!

Overall - it was a blast. But I am going to blame too much partying this past weekend on the fact that I am SICK!!! I woke up yesterday morning and felt like complete crap! I am pretty sure it is just allergies and sinuses which is why I am HOPING I get better by tomorrow because my mom and I are heading out to Houston for the rest of the week for a convention and Emmit Smith is going to be there!! I have been blabbing non stop about Emmit Smith - but hey! I'm just so excited!!

Anyways - more to come soon - just thought I'd give you an update of how BRandon's birthday went - and again - it was spectacular!! :)