Remorse, Revenge and Resentment

Those 3 words have more in common; in a typical situation, than just the letters that they start with. In a not-so-friendly situation, you would most likely find yourself feeling or wanting at least one of those things - which, in human nature, is totally healthy.

I have caught myself thinking of these 3 words alot lately. 3 words. 1 situation. Of course - this situation I know hardly anything about but apparently it involved me quite a bit. I went through my 3 R's.

Remorse. Was there anything in this specific situation that was dealt to me that I would have remorse for? Absolutely not. I know who I am in a friendship and I know what I am looking for from a friendship. I know what a good friend is and I know how to be loyal. I did everything out of genuine love for this person and obviously - they took nothing from it. So no - I don't have an ounce of remorse in my body.

Revenge. Obviously - since I thought I was doing everything right and then all of a sudden, things just went down the tube...I was pretty hurt. It still hurts me. And for the most part - I was confused and hurt and angry. My instincts went directly to a teenagers train of thought. 'What can I do to make this person feel as miserable as I do right now?' But then I realized that this was just no way to go - as I am a 22 year old adult who is married, has a job and responsibilities far more important than thinking such immature things. So no - revenge really isn't what I was feeling either.

Resentment. Sure - I was angry because I was so hurt. Did I or do I have ill-will for this person. No. Plain and simple. I just don't. This person was an amazing friend while it lasted and if they want to change their prerogative - well - that is their prerogative. So no - I wouldn't say that resentment was really my feeling either.

I was mainly in need of an outlet and closure. Which to this day has not happened. I feel that if everything happened the way that it did - I at least deserved to know why since it did involve me so much. I didn't get any answers.

I don't think that feeling remorse, revenge and resentment is really the answer to anything. I'm just hurt. I gave so much of myself as a friend and I got nothing back it seems. I just feel like everything was all for nothing. After having experienced this - I feel like I am walking away a stronger person in the long run because I know now to guard my heart. No one wants to walk thru life with their heart guarded and their walls up but I have to figure out which one sucks more. Does it suck more to be screwed over without any reason at all or does it hurt more to build your walls?

This entire blog has been weighing heavily on my mind for a while. I think respect of themselves and other people should bring this person to the feet of confession. As I'm out in the rain as far as what happened, what I did or did not do and why I even gave so much of myself to begin with. I just don't understand how, in a life filled with so much hate already, anyone would want to do what they did.

I rest on the fact that humans hurt until the hurting stops and the hurting will stop. It just takes some time.